


Without You

by riaateyourfood



Series: doil / ilyoung [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cute, Late at Night, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Overthinking, Phobias, Rain, lonely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 20:26:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19303216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riaateyourfood/pseuds/riaateyourfood
Summary: “I need your warmth, it tells me that I'm alright. I need you”—During one rainy night, Taeil can't sleep so he overthinks.





	Without You

 

» ❦ «

 

This has been the worst storm Taeil has ever experienced. And he was terrified.

The phobia of thunders that has been a burden for him since a young age and loud raining was getting worse and worse by each second passing as he hid himself deeper into the cold bedsheets. He shut his eyes and shivered in fear.

Month ago, maybe he would snuggle closer to the body lying right next to him, maybe he would make a small noise which would wake that someone up and then tighten his grip around his small waist. He would smoothen Taeil's hair while whispering _it will be okay_ and _I'm here Illie_. Maybe he would even kiss him softly and tell him one of those stories that happened to him recently and Taeil would listen to it for hours, slowly forgetting the storm outside.

But tonight he was alone and the warmth of Doyoung's body nowhere to feel.

As if the storm was reflecting his emotions - he has never felt so sad, so down and so helpless in his life. The rain dripped heavily accompanying his own tears.

He missed him so much.

Taeil didn't think twice when he stretched out for his phone and opened the messaging app. No, he's not going to bother Doyoung anymore, he just wanted to experience the feelings he used to feel on daily basis again. He opened the app and scrolled to the very first message between him and Doyoung. He never did that before, yet he somehow knew it would calm him down.

In the rain and storm worse than ever he started realising he loved Doyoung more than anything.

And that he screwed up.

 

» ❦ «

 

Taeil scrolled through some of the texts which contained questions like 'how are you' and 'what are you doing', though he could see the way they changed over a few weeks. The way they started using more words and longer sentences, the way they started adding emojis, and the way the text radiated more and more emotions as he scrolled further. He scrolled all the way down when they weren't just plain texts, but something that affected his daily life.

They showed that Doyoung actually cared, whether as a friend or as someone who liked him or perhaps _loved_.

He read a few of them, a small smile appearing on his tears-covered face while he was hiding under his covers. He could hear the rain calming down, the same as his heart finally found its steady pace.

 

_Wake up! ⏰_

_Don't forget to eat your breakfast or you'll be sleepy for the whole day! :(_

_I'm in school rn but the teacher hasn't caught me so.. hehehe_

_Hey sunshine, how was your day?_

_Wanna go somewhere hyung? I'm bored_

_Of course I'd always choose you ☺️_

_I was so scared when I couldn't see you_

_I need a hug, come here, now 😤_

_If you send me the pic with that hair, I'll supply you with my boyfriend looking pictures_

_Stop calling me bunny! 😑😖🤒_

_Even if they won't like you, I believe in you! Fighting!! 💞_

_❤️_

_Good nigh hyung, dream of me~_

 

However, the more scrolled through those texts, Taeil started regretting he never asked him out and never made it official. He just didn't want to pressure the boy who was healing from a broken heart, yet it didn't make sense in either of their friends' minds. They cuddled, they kissed, they even were first each other's first—at that memory Taeil took a deep breath—still, they weren't officially together.

And that's what might have broken them apart.

Taeil sighed, shutting his eyes and putting the phone away. He wanted to recall only the good memories, still, the bad ones found their way to his mind. How the boy started drifting apart, saying how he got close to Jaehyun again as they hang out more and more.

Doyoung, of course, asked Taeil if that was okay. The older said yes because, oh God how dumb he was— because he was scared. He loved the boy to the moon and back, but he knew Doyoung liked Jaehyun. Or at least he supposed so. He didn't even think about the possibility of his feelings being mutual, and that the boy could be asking that just to find out if Taeil really cared.

In the end, Taeil acted like a good friend, not fighting with his heart but brain instead. He thought Doyoung was finally happy — he still does. The posts on his Instagram, which he definitely didn't stalk, they all told that he was happy.

A sigh left his lips. He didn't feel better at all.

The idea to continue reading the text came across his mind the second after another thunder echoed the town and him yelping a bit. It acted like it has calmed down already but the truth was that it hasn't.

Taeil quickly got his phone, unlocking it and his eyes caught the first message that showed. His eyes started tearing up.

 

 ** _«He says he loves me.._**  
**_«I didn't say it back though, what should I do Taeil_**?

 

He felt a sudden pain choking his throat and his heart stung, a lot. Not the message sent by Doyoung, however, the thing that hurt him and angered him so much was his own response.

 

_**Go for it, good luck** _ **_»_ **

 

He was so dumb, so pathetic and the urge to bang his head against the wall was stronger than before. He let him go, just like that. He didn't even fight.

 _But maybe it was our destiny, maybe Doyoung wanted it like that_ , Taeil sobbed under his blanket. The rain got heavy once again, the noise screaming inside the boy's head as the droplets loudly drummed against his window. He dropped his phone and hugged his knees to cuddle into a ball. Taeil was scared.

In the dead silence where only rain accompanied the boy, a sudden noise made him shut his eyes. He heard him, in his head, he heard Doyoung calling his name. It was desperate, with a hint of worry but he started shaking his head. No, he can't let his mind fool him.

The boy sat up on his bed and started searching for his phone to see the current time. It wasn't really important, he was just curious but when he actually found his device, his heart almost stopped. He choked on his breath.

" _Taeil??_ "

He must have accidentally pressed the call button while throwing the phone away because the screen was shining with Doyoung's picture and name on the display. It wasn't a dream, neither hallucination, _he_ was real.

The boy got immediately hold of the phone.

"Doyoung," Taeil said in a quiet voice.

The line went silent for a few seconds, neither of the boys having guts to speak up. The rain rained, his heart thumped. It wasn't until Doyoung cleared his throat.

" _Um, so why did you call?_ "

That snapped him out of his thoughts. "Oh yeah, sorry about that. It was purely accidental, I didn't mean to wake you up. At all." Taeil quickly blurted out.

A chuckle escaped Doyoung's throat " _Accidentally?_ "

"Well yeah—"

" _You know you can be always honest with me, right?_ " Doyoung's honey voice rang in his ears and Taeil paused. The words hit him harder than they were supposed to.

He sighed "Yeah, I know."

" _So?_ "

"I was just—I was reading our old messages." He shut his eyes out of embarrassment. Now when he thought about it, it was a really dumb decision.

"I know I shouldn't, it's over, whatever we had, but I—I..." Taeil trailed off, unable to form a sentence or words which would make sense. He felt embarrassed, scared and sad. "Sorry, I really shouldn't have disturbed you."

" _Taeil, is everything okay?_ "

The line went silent again, the said boy stopping and his eyes falling on his lap. Doyoung knew, he knew when Taeil was lying and he knew when something was off. He always did. _Guess some things stay forever_ , Taeil felt even more hurt.

"Y—yes."

" _Taeil?_ " Doyoung softly asked.

The storm was wilder than before, the sound of thunders mixing with Taeil's frustration and increasing anger. He was mad at himself.

"Okay, fuck it," he hissed to himself. "No, it's not. This must have been the worst storm and I'm scared, Doyoung. And I miss it, when you comforted me." Taeil choked on a sob. What the hell was he doing?

"I miss you."

" _I_ _—_ "

"That doesn't matter," He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry for calling you, I should hang up." The sleeves of his pyjamas were now wet from the tears the boy tried to wipe away.

" _Wait, no it's okay, please_ _—_ " The boy's worried voice got cut off by Taeil once again "Good night. At least to you, Doyoung."

" _Taeil!_ _—_ "

He didn't get to hear rest of the boy's thoughts as he hung up, throwing his phone on his bed. The exhaustion surprisingly wore off and he found himself sitting on the bed, staring blankly at the weather outside. His thoughts were travelling through his endless mind when sudden thrill came across his body. He stood up.

He did it, he overcame the fear of speaking to Doyoung, to tell him the truth that he honestly misses him. If he could do that, the rain was nothing compared to it.

Taeil stepped in front of the big window, his breathing fastening from the rush of adrenaline and fear. He opened the doors of his balcony which led to a small garden hiding itself in the higher fence from the city. It wasn't really garden, rather a cut grass, now soaking in rainwater and the full Moon illuminating the area.

The panic mode was now fully on, making the boy shaking frantically beside his legs being cold as he took a step, his bare food touching the wet grass. It felt disgusting and uncomfortable but nevertheless, he continued. His steps didn't even get to one meter away from the house and another thunder stroke across the sky. Taeil let out a cry, a startled one. Turning around he leaned against the wall of his house where the rain couldn't touch him.

The boy was now sobbing in frustration and hitting the wall with his fist hard as if it could help him to calm down. It didn't, at all.

But fuck it, Taeil got frustrated even more and faced his small garden with clenched fists again. He took a few stiff steps, one every three seconds, getting into the middle of the area without really realising it. When he supposed he was there, he stopped. Funny, that small distance in the day, seemed so far away in the night.

The Moon was still shining brightly on the sky, only a slight cover of dark clouds running in front of it. Taeil lifted his gaze towards it — the Moon meeting Moon.

"We get to meet once again," Taeil said, the drops falling on his Moon-kissed face.

He stood there for God knows how long, the pyjamas getting completely soaked and his hair sticking onto his forehead. He was still scared, scratch that, he was horrified. The chance of him getting hit by lightning was bigger than when he was hiding in the small room of his. There was nothing to protect him from the rain, from the cold and from the dangerous bunch of electric voltage—

" _Taeil!_ " Something cut him off and he winced. He heard it again, his voice. Was his mind really going mad? He knew what his heart desired, the craving so strong that even his brain was losing its sanity.

_Doyoung isn't there, get it together finally!_

The memory of the boy totally ruined his mood, him realising what he's doing and that he's most likely going to get sick tomorrow. So he turned on his heels to head back to his house, to hide under warm covers of his big yet lonely bed. If it wasn't for something blocking the way.

The rain suddenly stopped, the Moonlight getting covered by something and Taeil came face to face with the boy who still made his heart clench.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Doyoung shouted at him, the worry written all over his face. They stood there, neither of them saying anything, just Doyoung staring at the boy—obviously waiting for his reply. The boy's mind, however, was somewhere else, the phobia completely clouding over his brain.

"Isn't it pretty?" Taeil extended his arm and his fingers tingled as the drops softly drummed against his palm. He watched the water making a small lake on his palm.

He tried to convince his brain that he was okay, that he didn't feel disgusted by the rainwater at all, but his trembling knees and not ending small rivers of tears on his face told otherwise. Doyoung reached for his hand and pushed it lightly down, noticing how cold it was against his skin.

His dark eyes roamed across Taeil's features to find out if the boy was okay. Of course, he wasn't, the pyjamas were completely soaked and the boy was unknowingly shaking. Whether because of the cold or the fear making him feel dizzy. Oh, how he thought he would overcome it— he was terrified even more.

Taeil was now sure he was going crazy. Really, what was he thinking? He was so mad at himself for doing thoughtless actions and he felt somehow embarrassed standing there, in the heavy rain in front of Doyoung. Even if the boy wasn't real, his mind still tried to tell him that he should return to his room.

He let out a sob, his cheeks once again wet.

Doyoung sighed "Taeil, let's go inside. You're freezing."

Was he? He didn't notice. His mind was focused on the storm only, that he didn't care about his health at all.

He has sure gone mad.

 

» ❦ «

 

Taeil quietly stood in the middle of his small bathroom, the light caressing his now dried skin. He watched his reflection, his tired eyes and purple plump lips before his gaze slid down on the piece of cloth in his hands. He quickly pulled it over his head, his wet hair making him shrivel his face in disgust. But, in the end, Taeil finally felt the warm he needed spreading across his arms and chest. He took the clean sweatpants lying on the ground too and granted his legs that little of warmth as well.

The last look in the mirror, where he tried to plaster a smile on his lips—he failed, and he headed to the living room, psychically preparing to face the boy. He hasn't seen him in a while, or that vividly at least. His mind, however, often strayed to the memory of Doyoung's scent and touches, how cutely he smiled and how beautifully his voice sounded. Whether when he laughed, sang or called his name in agony when they sinned in front of God's eyes.

They had past that's why Taeil feared the meeting with him. He couldn't look straight into his eyes without thinking about it, or perhaps he was scared his already crazy head would try to do something.

Fuck, he didn't even trust himself anymore.

"Do you want some tea?" Taeil asked quietly, getting Doyoung's attention. The boy was half leaning and half sitting on the armrest of the couch, now turning his head to him.

His gaze slid down and then back, Taeil feeling nervous under his stare—he had no idea what was the boy thinking about. Was he judging him, did he maybe miss him the same? Taeil could only hope, a bitter snort trying to escape his throat. He luckily held it.

As if the realisation that he was being asked hit Doyoung a bit later, he snapped out of his thoughts and shook his head.

"It's okay." He muttered.

After that, the room fell silent. The rain now quietly accompanied their thoughts, the storm somewhere in the distance. Taeil stood in the entrance of his living room while playing with the long sleeves of his hoodie, the small hall where his room was behind his back. He watched the boy, who was observing the place and just then he realised that he let him inside his small apartment, his hideout, a safe place. But rather being uncomfortable, he furrowed his brows.

"Why?" Taeil whispered, Doyoung almost missing it. He diverted his eyes from some painting hanging on the wall.

"Why what?"

"Just go straight to the point, Doyoung. Why you're here?" Taeil looked into his eyes intensively, the asked boy shifting a little.

Doyoung bit his lip, looking around the room for a few seconds before glancing at him. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No," He shook his head. "But what about Jaehyun?" Taeil now talked in a small and quiet voice. Doyoung let his gaze fall down on the ground and kept it there for the next minute. The second he stood up, he scared the older boy by suddenly gripping his wrist and pulling him to the hall. Without a word, they entered Taeil's room.

They ended up sitting opposite each other, Doyoung getting comfortable on Taeil's chair and the boy crossing his legs on his messy bed. The only source of light was a small lamp on the desk turned on by Doyoung.

Taeil was again playing with the laces of the hoodie he was wearing and just then Doyoung noticed his outfit. He chuckled.

"Is that my hoodie?" He failed to hide the wide smile which formed on his lips. Taeil froze on his place and managed to let out a bunch of syllables that somehow made sense.

"Ah yes. You've left some here and I feel stupid for not returning them. I kept it because I myself have like only one and—" Realising what he was saying, he let out a nervous laugh and cleared his throat once again. Doyoung made him nervous and he felt insecure.

"Sorry for not giving them back."

"No, it's totally okay, I have like plenty of them. I just expected for you to say something like 'I kept them so I could sniff them because they smell like you'." He joked but when the older male looked down, his cheeks flushed out of pure embarrassment, Doyoung burst into a laugh.

He was still smiling when he softly asked "Why did you call me?" but got the same answer the boy told him during their call.

"But come on, isn't it cute—"

"Doyoung," Taeil said without any hint of amusement on his lips and the boy tensed. "Why you're here? And don't dodge the question this time."

Doyoung ran his hand through his coal black hair. His eyes held emotions which Taeil couldn't make out. "I was worried, honestly."

Slight anger built inside his body as he was annoyed by the boy caring suddenly. "I said it was okay—"

"It wasn't!" He cut him off. "Taeil, I know you. You get terrified by storms like these and I was surprised that you even called. I didn't expect you to, I'd come anyway."

The boy felt the air hitching in his throat, his heart doing a cartwheel. Something inside his chest moved, the gaze that Doyoung was giving him sending shivers down his spine.

"You—you would come even if I didn't call?"

Doyoung heaved a sigh "Yes."

Again, a silence spread across the room as seemingly innocent words hit Taeil's harder than he would have expected. Doyoung still cared.

"I still—I still don't understand." Taeil took a breathe, finding it hard to speak. Besides being nervous and his head empty under the younger boy's stare, he wasn't far from crying. It didn't make sense at all, they ended up things, they stopped talking. Then why the hell was he there.

"What do you not understand?" Doyoung asked, his voice smooth and honey-alike.

"Jaehyun. Isn't he worried about you? It's two in the morning and you're here, with—me." Taeil dared to lift his gaze and he was met with the strangest sight he has ever seen. Doyoung was smiling, yes, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Taeil, we ended it up, Jaehyun and I. It didn't work out." He sighed, looking up at the ceiling and Taeil could see sparkling tears fighting to flow out.

Taeil has never seen Doyoung so heartbroken, or at least he thought so. However, the more he stared at the boy, the more he realised he, in fact, has seen it before. The day when the two parted their ways.

"May I ask why? As far as I remember, you were head over heels for him." Taeil whispered, too scared of the answer.

Doyoung shook his head and finally faced him, few tears falling down.

"I did. I did like him before he rejected me. I did before someone else came and stole my heart, I just realised it too late. Jaehyun didn't love me, maybe he only thought so, the same as I did after I agreed to date him. But with that, I lost that person dearest to my heart." Doyoung stared into his eyes intensively, his gaze hiding the galaxy of stars and emotions.

"Was it worth it?" He asked in a small voice again.

"No. And I'm scared the person already moved on." Doyoung whispered, Taeil catching only a few words, missing the 'on'.

"Then why don't you go visit them?" The tone of his voice changed to a cheerful one, though there was a hint of sadness.

Doyoung wanted to laugh, it seemed like he was even about to scream, but in the end, he stood up and sat on the bed opposite of Taeil.

"I am. Right now."

The reaction he got was an only shocked look of the older and Taeil trying to find anything to say. He was speechless and, obviously, confused. So Doyoung continued, pouring all his emotions into his words.

"It's been always you, Taeil. You saved me from drowning in my own sadness from Jaehyun rejecting me because you showed me I can love again and that I can also be loved. I hate myself for not asking you out and I'm confused by the fact you didn't ask me out too." Doyoung took a breath before more tears could blur his sight and Taeil's gaze fell down. "We went through a lot so I expected you to say no when I told you about Jaehyun. It broke me, really, because I could see the look in your eyes. I could see you didn't want me to go and I'd rather hear you scream after me than plastering a fake smile. It made me question if you really loved me."

At that, tears rolled down the older's cheek. Even Doyoung wasn't far from letting out a sob, his eyes watery.

"I—I..." Taeil was at a loss of words.

He lifted his shaky hands and put it on Doyoung's nape, the boy sitting only a meter away. Doyoung could see the hesitation in his eyes and he inhaled, he had to because his chest felt heavier and heavier. Two broke boys, broke because of each other sat opposite, longing for affection of the other, yet hesitating.

Doyoung speaks up "I really thought of calling you—"

He got cut off by something muffling his mouth, his lips contacting with something soft and wet, his inside collapsing like a house of cards. Taeil was kissing him, slowly and passionately, their tears mixing together and creating a salty sea their mouths swam in. They both craved for it, they both ached to taste the other's lips for so long that now it seemed like the first time. The lips danced, the tears still falling down their cheeks as Doyoung took Taeil's smaller body and put him on his lap. He needed him closer.

Taeil softly tugged the boy's dark locks and Doyoung's hands roamed across his back, pulling him unknowingly closer and closer.

It was five minutes since their lips connected and the exhaustion abruptly doused over them. They pulled out, panting heavily while their hearts thumped against their chests.

Taeil felt like dreaming—hell, it might be a dream, pure creation of his fantasy. But no, he knew it isn't, the boy, the beautiful, flawless boy in front of him was real. And that made him wrecked. It won't last.

"Hey," Doyoung noticed the boy tearing again, his face frowning and his eyes changing the way they sparkled into emptiness.

"I'm—this shouldn't have happened." He whispers, catching the younger boy's hurt look. "I will fall asleep with the feel of your mouth on mine, shit, I probably won't get it out of my head for next month."

He thought about it, he should've moved on, he did, until an hour ago. He supposed the boy has moved on already, only him being behind. He hated himself for kissing him, for even calling him.

Taeil's let out a sob.

Doyoung watched him quietly the whole time, his eyebrows twitching. He held the older boy by his chin, pushing it up a little to get his eyes on the same level. And then a big smile appeared on his lips, making Taeil confused even more as the boy pulled him into an embrace. The hug didn't last for more than a few seconds.

Doyoung's gaze was again on him, shifting from his beautiful brown eyes to his cotton lips, eyes, lips, eyes, lips. Taeil immediately got the idea and as nervous as he is, he closed his lids, his view darkening. And they kissed again.

 

» ❦ «

 

Taeil held the white piece of cloth in his right hand and the dark coloured in his left one. He lashed his eyes from one to the other, unsure which one to pick. He bit his lip.

Nevertheless, he had to choose, caressing the soft material of the bright-coloured one. It was a hoodie that was two sizes bigger but he couldn't complain. It had to fit and besides, he liked oversized stuff.

The woman behind the counter took his purchase with a warm smile on her lips and Taeil nodded in her direction as a sign of thanking after taking the bag. He passed a cute couple arguing about matching t-shirts and he looked away, a frown forming on his relaxed face.

Shaking the feeling off, his legs led him to the top of the mall where parking lots was. He searched through his pockets and walked towards a white car that he could proudly call his. _What a nice day to be out_ , Taeil thought as he observed the clear sky, yet wrapping himself into his coat more. He puffed as he managed to open the trunk with his thin arms, putting all bags inside, including the ones from grocery shopping and the one with a hoodie.

He was about to close the door, before he felt something pressing against his back, noticing arms around his body putting another bags inside the car.

"I was wondering what was taking you so long." After closing the trunk, Taeil turned around to face that somebody still hugging his small figure.

The boy in front of him gave him a gummy smile before kissing his forehead softly.

"Stop being worried every time. I'm here after all, aren't I?"

He sent him a wink and Taeil rolled his eyes at him. They sat inside the car, the older starting the engine.

"We should buy some matching clothes." Taeil proposed, driving off the parking lot. The boy beside him laughed "What for? Do you want to look the same? We be twinning." He made some gang signs that people use while taking a selfie and Taeil sighed.

"Such a kid." He murmured under his breath but the boy still caught it. "What was that?"

Taeil turned to him, meeting his dark eyes that glowed in happiness.

"I hate you Kim Doyoung."

"I love you too, Moon Taeil. Or should I say, Kim?"  
  


 

❦ ~끝~ ❦

**Author's Note:**

> hiii, I might upload more doil chapters from wattpad here  
> thanks for reading <3
> 
> Originally posted on my wattpad: riaateyourfood // Cafunè ~ Doil (oneshot collection book); chapter 'Without You'


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